To Know Better
by Kazzy
Summary: Jesse's thoughts during Darkest Hour. Based on the sample chapter.


**Title – **To Know Better**  
Author – **Kazzy**   
E-mail address – **kazzy@whoever.com**  
Rating – **PG, for safety

**Spoilers – **Um, "Darkest Hour". Kinda. I mean I wrote this using the sample chapter at jennycarroll.com. So it's only kinda a spoiler. I'll probably read the book in a little while and cringe at how much I got wrong, but not to worry. **  
Category – **Vignette**  
Summary – **Jesse's thoughts during "Darkest Hour". (Based on the sample chapter.)

**Disclaimer – **All characters and themes from "The Mediator" belong to Jenny Carroll. Don't sue, I am but a lowly Uni student, who has a student loan which increases by the day – do you really think you'll get any money out of me? This computer isn't even mine.

**Notes – I** would just like to re-iterate that this is based on the sample chapter posted at jennycarroll.com, so don't flame me if it is completely wrong. I don't have enough money to buy the book, yet. Still, please **_read and review_**.

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One hundred and fifty years a ghost. Twenty years of life. About six months sharing a room with a mediator. You would think I would know better. You really would.

Apparently however, I do not. Know better. Because now I am being kept prisoner by someone I thought died eighty-five years ago. A woman I once thought myself in love with. I have since learned better; I was not in love with her, because now I love someone else, I have realized that whatever was between me and Maria was not love.

But I did know Maria – love or not. So you would think I would know better than to think that when she died she passed on. Oh, no, not Maria, she really was not the 'I am dead so I will just meekly pass on' type. She was the 'I will not go down without taking anyone with me' type. So why should she not be a ghost? She is bound to have some sort of unfinished business, like Susannah is always going on about. Something keeping her back from passing on.

Whatever it was that kept Maria back is enough to annoy her so much that she went after Susannah and her family. Although knowing Susannah, I am willing to bet she was meddling. She has a habit of doing that. 

Then she came after me.

Now there is no one to protect Susannah. I cannot be with her. I am trapped in this prison, created by Maria. The only people that know anything about Susannah are a priest, who is sixty years old, her stepbrother who is only a young boy, and her friend who lives in New York. That does not exactly make for a great army. Also Susannah will probably go and do something completely stupid and get herself hurt. Again.

Maria trapped me here for her own reasons. I am willing to bet they have to do with revenge. On me. And on Susannah. Just for being there and being a mediator.

One thing Maria liked when she was alive was attention from everyone around her. She made sure she got it in fact. Nor did it hurt that her father was on of the richest men in California. That and the fact that she was beautiful meant that she got all the attention she wanted. She could walk into a room and every man would fall over himself doing whatever he could to get into her favour. I was little different. But her father did want her to marry _me_.

She did not want to marry me though. No, she wanted to marry Felix Diego. The slave runner. The gold digger. So much, that she had him kill me, so she would not have to marry me. I was buried out behind the, then, boarding house, and everyone thought I had disappeared. Even run away before my wedding day. Nothing like having the woman you are going to marry have you murdered to kill any infatuation.

That is all it was. Infatuation. I was not in love with Maria. I pretty much realized that when I woke up and found that no one could see or hear me. Then I realized I was dead. I watched her for a little while. Her and Diego. There were times when I wanted nothing better than to do something to destroy their lives. But I could not do so. Not intentionally. Maybe I was weak, but revenge is not in my blood. I do not have the same ruthless nature as Maria and Diego did.

Now whatever it is that holds Maria back has made her angry. Why she has waited more than eighty years to do something is beyond my comprehension. I do not know why she is keeping me here either. There is little damage you can do to a ghost. Even if you are a ghost, yourself. A ghost is dead, that does not leave a whole lot of room for injury.

However Maria is shrewd. She always was. If there is a way to hurt me, she will find it. I am afraid that that way will be through Susannah. I do not think I could bear it if Maria did something to Susannah. I have no doubt Maria knows this. I can hear Susannah calling for me, she sounds upset. But I cannot go to her. Maria has trapped me here. I do not know how. If asked, I would have said it was not possible.

Now she can do whatever she likes to Susannah, who will probably go running straight into trouble.

There is nothing I can do. I cannot escape. I cannot help Susannah. I can only pray that she is able to do what she can to stop Maria.

Susannah, _querida_, good luck. Be safe.

*****

 A/N: Short, yes, but tell me what you think, please?    


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